Tomorrow is the big day. This is the last time I will walk through house. I stand in the bedroom and remember our late night talks and good night kisses. I hear the squeaking of the floor beneath the carpet for the very last time. In the kitchen I remember the sunshine, the bowls of brownie batter, and the laughter we shared over supper. How the breeze drifted just right through the kitchen window with the calming smell of fresh cut grass. Today is the last day I will ever look out the back door and try to take in and perfectly memorize the view and the sounds including the neighbor’s annoying dog that barked everyday at 3pm when the mailman would cross the lawns. I will miss the blueish glow coming from the darkened living room at 5am, when most of my world is sleeping but you are awake and 15 hours ahead of me. My heart aches with homesickness even though I am still in my house. I will try to hold my head high and walk out this front door one last time. Tomorrow is a big day for me.
As I stare at the empty corners, I question whether I should look in the closet a fourth time just to make sure it’s empty. But I know I will just be trying to remember the winter coats that once hung there beside your uniforms. It is odd not to see your boots by the front door. Memories flood back of the late night movies we watched while cuddling on the couch until I fell asleep, the pointless arguments these walls have witnessed that lead to nowhere. That is what is hard to leave behind.
It may be weeks, months or tomorrow but the space we once occupied and called our home will just be a time capsule of memories within these walls. Before long another family will occupy this same space and make this their home, building their own memories. Our neighbors will move on and we will probably never cross paths again. But we adjust, make new friends, create new memories, and move on. Moving on seems to be the common thing, but I am not sure that I can.
Tomorrow is the day I will kiss the life I once knew goodbye. Today, however, I write this last entry in our notebook. I close this chapter in my life and begin to start a new. Though I am far from prepared to say goodbye, I do particularly miss the smells of the sea salt and the sounds of squawking seagulls. Tomorrow when I wake up my scenery will be different, as well as the smells and sounds that surround me. The richness of that southern culture that brought us together. That is what reminds me most of you and this transition harder. But I cannot see myself going anywhere else. But it is my time to say goodbye, my time to start my new adventure.
Tomorrow is never promised, it is a gift. You of all people should know that. So we should live everyday like it is our last. Dance in the rain, sing like you are working towards your Grammy, love with all of your heart, forgive and forget because holding a grudge is never worth it. I’ll remember the conversations, the honesty, and the laughter we have shared. I will struggle to think about how much your friendship has meant to me over the years. This is not a goodbye but a see you later. At least that is what you told me before you deployed.
I ache to feel the warmth of your touch. The texture of your soft lips, and to smell your stink when you came home from physical training is one thing I never thought I would miss, but now I wish it was bottled for me to spray around my home. The memories of your love for me Is all I have. Your book of adventures while we were apart to read over and over again and pretend I was there with you while you were writing. But forever I must now live with you in memory. The one thing I never thought I would have to do in life is move on without you.
I am sure there will be days when I will want to give up, days when I will want to stay in bed and vegetate, times when I blame myself and wonder what I did to deserve this. Sometimes I just wish it was me and not you. Why? will always be that unanswered question. One day I will be able to comfortably move on with my life, but I first need to allow myself time to heal. One day I will be okay, I will be able to function normally but right now is not that time. My world is not right without you with me. I miss you!
When the wind blows I feel your comforting spirit, when the sun shines I feel your warmth, when it rains I know you are with me. Until we meet again this is all I have. This is the beginning to the new chapter of my life. You have taught me many life lessons, mostly you have taught me to forget that I have learned a lot, that there is no studying for or preparing for the real lessons in life. Everyday there will be a test. I know it is OK to feel pain, to allow the world to break my heart, to see sadness that will deeply move my tears. You’ve taught me to never think I cannot make a difference. Adversity, when embraced with open arms, is the one thing that builds strength, endurance and resilience and you taught me one of the greatest lessons of all, knowing the gift of believing in someone completely. Because of you, I will always glow, shine, and sparkle letting the world see my light as you saw my light. You have encouraged me to change the world.