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Prologue
Dear Luke,
Tomorrow is
the big day. This is the last time I will walk through house. I
stand in the bedroom and remember our late night talks and good night kisses. I hear the squeaking of the floor beneath the
carpet for the very last time. In the kitchen I remember the sunshine, the
bowls of brownie batter, and the laughter we shared over supper. How the
breeze drifted just right through the kitchen window with the calming smell of
fresh cut grass. Today is the last day I will ever look out the back door
and try to take in and perfectly memorize the view and the sounds including the
neighbor’s annoying dog that barked everyday at 3pm when the mailman would
cross the lawns. I will miss the blueish glow coming from the darkened living
room at 5am, when most of my world is sleeping but you are awake and 15 hours
ahead of me. My heart aches with homesickness even though I am still in
my house. I will try to hold my head high and walk out this front door
one last time. Tomorrow is a big day for me.
As I stare at
the empty corners, I question whether I should look in the closet a fourth time
just to make sure it’s empty. But I know I will just be trying to remember
the winter coats that once hung there beside your uniforms. It is odd not
to see your boots by the front door. Memories flood back of the late night
movies we watched while cuddling on the couch until I fell asleep, the
pointless arguments these walls have witnessed that lead to nowhere. That
is what is hard to leave behind.
It may be
weeks, months or tomorrow but the space we once occupied and called our home
will just be a time capsule of memories within these walls. Before long
another family will occupy this same space and make this their home, building
their own memories. Our neighbors will move on and we will probably never
cross paths again. But we adjust, make new friends, create new memories,
and move on. Moving on seems to be the common thing, but I am not sure
that I can.
Tomorrow is
the day I will kiss the life I once knew goodbye. Today, however, I write this
last entry in our notebook. I close this chapter in my life and begin to
start a new. Though I am far from prepared to say goodbye, I do
particularly miss the smells of the sea salt and the sounds of squawking
seagulls. Tomorrow when I wake up my scenery will be different, as well as the
smells and sounds that surround me. The richness of that southern
culture that brought us together. That is what reminds me most of you and
this transition harder. But I cannot see myself going anywhere else. But
it is my time to say goodbye, my time to start my new adventure.
Tomorrow is
never promised, it is a gift. You of all people should know that.
So we should live everyday like it is our last. Dance in the rain, sing
like you are working towards your Grammy, love with all of your heart, forgive
and forget because holding a grudge is never worth it. I’ll remember the
conversations, the honesty, and the laughter we have shared. I will
struggle to think about how much your friendship has meant to me over the
years. This is not a goodbye but a see you later. At least that is
what you told me before you deployed.
I ache to feel
the warmth of your touch. The texture of your soft lips, and to smell your
stink when you came home from physical training is one thing I never thought I
would miss, but now I wish it was bottled for me to spray around my home.
The memories of your love for me Is all I have. Your book of adventures
while we were apart to read over and over again and pretend I was there with
you while you were writing. But forever I must now live with you in
memory. The one thing I never thought I would have to do in life is move on
without you.
I am sure
there will be days when I will want to give up, days when I will want to stay
in bed and vegetate, times when I blame myself and wonder what I did to deserve
this. Sometimes I just wish it was me and not you. Why? will always be that unanswered
question. One day I will be able to
comfortably move on with my life, but I first need to allow myself time to
heal. One day I will be okay, I will be able to function normally but
right now is not that time. My world is not right without you with
me. I miss you!
When the wind
blows I feel your comforting spirit, when the sun shines I feel your warmth,
when it rains I know you are with me. Until we meet again this is all I
have. This is the beginning to the new chapter of my life. You have
taught me many life lessons, mostly you have taught me to forget that I have
learned a lot, that there is no studying for or preparing for the real lessons
in life. Everyday there will be a test. I know it is OK to feel
pain, to allow the world to break my heart, to see sadness that will deeply
move my tears. You’ve taught me to never think I cannot make a
difference. Adversity, when embraced with open arms, is the one thing
that builds strength, endurance and resilience and you taught me one of the
greatest lessons of all, knowing the gift of believing in someone
completely. Because of you, I will always glow, shine, and sparkle letting
the world see my light as you saw my light. You have encouraged me to
change the world.
